We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
Each employee will receive only 104 holidays per year. And its Saturday and Sunday only. Further more no other holidays will be given.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have unemployed people to attend to the arrangements.
However, In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late evening when the employee has finished work. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour so that you can leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done and your maximum daily target is met.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an authorised absence. However, we require at least one month notice two weeks notice before you die to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the near future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing like Amani, D&G, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a payrise.
Please Note that employees who fail to obey these new laws will be subject to instant dismissal without any hearing.
Thank you for your loyalty and commitment to our company. We are here to provide an excellent and positive employment image. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere not in my office as i dont have time to answer such rubbish.
Have a nice day
Human Resources Management.
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